She lay motionless, begging her mind to stop bombarding her. This time the thoughts were too powerful. This time they were too overwhelming. All she wanted was to have a restful night. To close her eyes and drift into a blissful slumber. To dream of happier times.
       To escape.
       But all she got were flashes of traumatic memories and thoughts of a future failure. Heart pounding, she could feel the intensity of her pulse, almost in sync with the seconds that ticked on. Her breath was shallow as her mind wandered dangerously in the darkness.
       This could have been avoided if she had just gone through with it. She would have been free. She would have been okay. She would have been at peace. She would have been dead.
       A lone tear gently slid down her cheek as loneliness consumed her. She was once again stuck in a place of misery and despair. Her only comfort was the hope of not waking up when she closed her eyes. The ‘A’ in happy was for anxiety. Whenever things went right, her mind convinced her that she didn’t deserve it. Her mind reminded her of all her shortcomings. Her mind would make it a point, to let her know that she was an insignificant lowlife. A space filler with no real purpose. A waste of space in hers and everyone else’s life. Her mind reminded her that she was nothing.
       Every night the vicious bully would remind her that she was just awful. There was no talent in a single drop of her blood and hence, anything she did was an embarrassment. She was an embarrassment. Her features, her voice, her environment, her mind, everything that contributed to who she was, who she became, was a complete embarrassment. There was no reason to live. There was no point in her life.
        Rolling over, she recalled the time when her only worry was if she failed or past a test. Not if she was pretty enough to catch the eye of a dashing young man or if he thought she was an unworthy heathen. She wasn’t afraid that if she opened her mouth everyone would realize just how stupid she truly was. She never once wondered if portraying her skills to the public would lead to laughter and mockery of something she was once passionate about.
        Now, it was all she could think of. Her inadequacy danced cheerfully in her mind, drawing the attention of everyone. What was, she had no escape. Unlike physical critics, trolls and bullies, she could easily block or avoid, or maybe simply not read their comments, or tune out interviews where all they did was tear down her craft, she had to live with her bully. Her bully was her best friend who wanted the worst for her. She wanted her to either be a failure for the rest of her life or kill herself. Both were horrible
choices, but the only option offered.
       One of those options seemed more of a reward than any prize she had ever been offered. One of those options triggered the pleasure sensors in her brain, making her smile like an innocent child, not yet tainted by the harsh realities of this cold, cruel world. One of those options made her think of the brighter days. That option made her think of the joy of nothingness.
       The option of death was the sweet nectar to her unsweetened life. It was the ray of sunshine that made days at the beach extravagant. It was the warmth and joy that most women felt as the love of their lives professed their emotions in a heartfelt statement. It was her love. It was her prince charming on a white horse, ready to whisk her away to happily ever after.
       So why did no one want her to have this peace? Why did no one want her to start living the good life?
       She was suffocating!
       She dreaded the sight of a bed. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to leave the warmth and comfort of her prison. She was always alive in the nighttime because insomnia seemed to favour her. She was alone because it was easier to keep the thoughts inside than to risk being ridiculed for having them in the first place.
       Why did no one want her to finally escape the confides that was in her mind? The words “selfish” and “ridiculous” were always thrown in her direction when it came to taking her life. They were right. She was that and more. That’s why she shouldn’t even be alive. She was a mistake. A catastrophic mistake. Her presence always seemed to bring sadness and turmoil. Oh, the lives she had ruined in her lifetime!
       If only she had done it when she had the chance.
       The ‘A’ in happy was for anxiety because even amid her destructive thoughts, she acted as if she had it together. She acted as though she was strong and determined. Ambitious and courageous. While she suffered silently every night, in the daytime, she was sunshine and laughter. Kind and helpful. On a good day, she was even selfless.
        Amid her self-destruction, she brought hope and joy to everyone. She made everyone happy and inspired them to live their dreams even though she couldn’t live hers.
       The ‘A’ in ‘happy’ is for anxiety because she never experienced happiness without it.